3/19/2026
today i was feeling very uhhh. writy. i wanted to write some things, for whatever reason. so instead of watching whatever the teacher was showing on the screen in english class i decided to write some things down. here is what i have figured out:

#1. i am very excited for my 18th birthday because hopefully i will be unbanned from facebook marketplace
#2. i need to buy paint stripper to get rid of the white paint that my mother covered the original beautiful dark wooden fixtures with
#3. i need to make a new neocities page

i have a long history with neocities. neocities has seen many sides of me. so yeah today i made this new index page (all my old ones are still up i just dont want them attached to this). but yeah i think i did an ok job with this layout and such and im keeping some original css stuff such as the times new roman with spacing and the dotted borders on the plain white background. but yes. blah blah blah, big things coming, hopefully (?)
3/20/2026
I do not think I am satisfied with my life or the person I am, and I know that is selfish to say considering i have it pretty good. I got into my most desired university that i had been working towards for a long while, so things should feel like they are finally falling into place, which, in some ways, they are. That whole part of my life is moving forward and I am very proud of myself for that. But i still feel stuck. I dont really like who I am as of current. It is quiet and constant in a way that feels like its humming in the back of my head and it follows me everywhere I go. I started dating too young I think even though it felt right for such a long time. It felt comfortable and safe and familiar or whatever. But now i feel like i missed out on the opportunity to figure out exactly who i am when i am alone. I want to be free, not in a reckless or sleeping around way, but in a human way. I want to meet new people and make connections and spend time with the people I already love without feeling guilty for it. I dont want to keep feeling like my time and energy belongs to him. The worst part though is that I dont hate him, I dont dislike him, he didnt do anything terrible or wrong. Matter of fact i love him and im grateful that i was able to experience something so great with him. It feels significantly worse to me because there is no defined or clear reason to justify my feelings. I dont want to lose the people in my life who matter to me. I love him but i dont think this relationship fits into the life that i am trying to grow into. Graduation and stuff feels like a turning point so maybe I can use this as a chance to reset and become a person I actually feel comfortable with. But i know that you cant just change the scenery, you gotta change the situation too (lisa rowe lol). I dont want to keep making decisions based off of guilt, I dont want to keep staying in uncomfortable situations just because they feel familiar to me, and i need to give myself permission to grow and move on, even if the growth causes discomfort to the people around me. But these are all very big words and even harder things to act on.
3/24/2026
today i am eighteen years old!! woohoo!! typically i could not care less about birthdays but this time its a little different around because, in a legal sense, i can do MOST of the things i want to do. considering i dont smoke or drink anymore, honestly i can pretty much do everything i want to do now. specially im referencing tattoos and piercings. i was an emo kid for most of my life up until high school, so with that being said, i was obsessed with the idea of tattoos and piercings. tattoos ive always been on the fence about because im aware of how often my interests and the things I like change, so while there are concepts of tattoos id like done, ive decided its probably best to wait for my frontal lobe to develop before i make any permanent decisions. but yeah my interests definietly lean more to piercings. i already made an appointment to get my tits and third lobe pierced. #eager #thriving. ive always wanted a bunch of different ones. the piercings i wanted the most were both nostrils, septum, medusa, and POSSIBLY snakebites. that piercing setup was inspired by my dear instagram mutual, rebby (i dont really know where she went). the last setup i really wanted was a diagonal setup, so you can imagine it reading from the right to left side of my face and it goes as follows: left eyebrow, left antieyebrow, left nostril, and then a single snakebite (is that what theyre called?) on my bottom right lip. but yeah I kind of like the ideal of having a blank face now with heavy ear piercings instead. I feel like piercings have become so common that NOT having any, when being alternative, is the new counterculture? Im not even really alternative any more though. im kind of in what i like to call "weird girl limbo" because im too normal looking to be considered alternative but im also too alternative to be considered normal looking. like nobody knows. but if you know me and my history, you can definitely tell. I mean, ive been into it all: third wave emo, nu metal, black metal, post punk/new wave, punk, second wave emo, grunge, riot grrl, and edm and even gabber. ive had all the phases. but yeah im not gonna get any facial piercings i dont think besides maybe my tongue in a few years, and then i want to fill up ALL of my ear real estate. i like the piercings that can be hidden. when i was in 7th grade i did my smiley and i had that for a year, and i loved it! it got tore out (didnt hurt) and i still miss it very dearly sometimes, but i also dont think id ever repierce it.

3/25/2026
Yesterday I was in the car. i drove past a place and it made me think about one of my fondest memories with my dad. A few months ago, i was really sick and we couldnt figure out why. My voice was completely demolished and for about a month straight i was hacking up my lungs. I had to go to the doctor. So i skipped school and he took me to some shitty clinic where they prescribed me some pills. The entire time he was on a work call and didnt say much. And then we had to go pick up the medication, so we went to cvs. He hung up the work call at cvs. At cvs the medication wasnt ready yet so we went to some shitty burger joint to pass the time and he got a burger and I got a milkshake and we talked about things like taxes and the government. It was nice to have a father. I love my dad.
3/26/2026
yesterday i got my tits pierced. pretty freaking cool!! i was stressing sooo hard about it so I made my best friend come with me for emotional support. she is the perfect amount autistic to where it would ground me but also not annoy the shit out of me. the piercing did not hurt as bad as the world wide web says its supposed to. like obv it did hurt to an extent bc its a fucking needle going thru u but it wasnt unbearable. like i yelled "god damn" for the first one but then i asked my piercer "was that it?" and honestly , the jewelry going in hurt more than the mf needle. for the second one it was literally the same pain level. they were stinging quite a bit for only like 4 hours after. i was able to wear a bra and sleep on them perfectly fine. obviously they are sensitive still bc its a fresh piercing but there is literaly zero discomfort. Im pretty fucking upset though because my friends keep telling people about it. like stop!!! thats so fucking personal and i can tell whoever I want, but that means I JUST want THAT person to know. im honestly really angry because my friend told her fucking mom. Im really irrationally pissed about that because i dont want everyone pointing and thinking oh, there is the girl that has her tits pierced. like ew. i already am sooo anxious and insecure of how people think about me so I really dont need them knowing this.
3/30/26
every single day i am thinking about XXXXX and how he spent a week brain dead before finally dying at seventeen. i turned eighteen six days ago. what gives me the right to keep going when he didnt even get the chance? his life ended before it could even begin. being alive gives me a deep guilt that i cannot explain nor justify. this is all hard and this is all unfair and i dont understand how God could take such a beautiful and faithful person off of this planet. I think a lot about XXXXX and the things he never got to experience. what kind of cake would he have wanted for his 18th birthday? how did he want to spend his winter break? what christmas gifts would he have asked for? how would he and his friends celebrate graduation? where did he want to go on vacation this summer? i hadnt talked to him in maybe 7 or 8 years and maybe that makes it worse and maybe it doesnt make sense at all. i dont think grief cares about distance or time because XXXXX was my friend and XXXXX would have been my friend forever and always no matter how long we went not speaking .
sometime in march
3/31/26
I really like lollipops. Not sure why. Big fan of the ones you can get at the dollar tree for 50 cents a pop and the dum dums in bags you can get in the clearance candy sections and the solid and crackly ones with the tootsie rolls inside. And I like to gnaw on the stick when Im done like some sort of wild animal. I like cherry and wild cherry and butterscotch and caramel apple and green apple and cherry cheesecake and root beer and cream soda and strawberry shortcake and chocolate. And I also like italian ice. When I go to ritas I like when they have chocolate flavor and cherry flavor and vanilla flavor too. I keep lollipops in my purse at all times because there is something wrong with me.
3/31/26
experiments with numbers
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