8/25/2022 at approx. 11:11pm. a rant on satanism
im at that age where murder is a tempting idea but i dont want to be associated with a bunch of scumbags because satanists are scum. murderers and rapists are scum. satans a shithead, i can kick his ass. i can resist all his temptation. i dont hate him for my catholic or christian belief. i do because he is an idol losers, scum, dweebs and dirtbags worship. he doesnt care about anyone who "worships" him. because he is fucking satan. he is a liar, i hate liars. that kasso guy was a delusional crazy loser. he iced some kid who didnt do anything like a coward for taking shit from him. then he pussied out at the end by hanging himself in that cell. have fun in hell, i know you wont. kasso is lucky i wasnt around him. i would have bullied him, i would have layed into him every chance i got. dont try to impress satan because he does not give two fucks. if you worship satan you are a pathetic loser.

9/02/2022 at approx. 10:54pm. overflow
Like three days ago, i overfilled a glass,i grabbed the glass and put in a handful of ice,I then took the juice out of the refrigerator and started to pour it into the glass
but there was too much in the container and too much in the glass and by time i shouldve stopped pouring, there wouldve been too much in the bottle to put back but too much to throw away but too much to sip out of my glass and repour
so instead i kept pouring
the glass overflowed all over the counter and all over the drawers and all over the floor and all over my hands and it soaked up my sleeves leaving permnanent pink streaks reaching up tp my elbows
i then threw away the bottle and got a towel to clean up the juice
I chose to keep pouring and i chose to clean it up
one day i will have full control

12/15/2022 at approx. 8:55pm. hands
My dad is waiting when i get to secaucus and at first i do not recognize him but then i look at his face and then i look at his hands and they remind me of the man on the subway

4/19/2023 at approx 10:50pm. names
i don’t like these names i don’t like myself i am not the person i want to be and i never will be the person i want to be i am losing myself every day and i need to escape this vessel my body takes up too much space and i want to be small and unheard my bones are too big and my ribcage is too wide all eyes are on me my words are too loud my voice is too deep and everyone is listening my skin is pink and raw from hours of staring and probing and prying because aiming to be perfect is the only thing that keeps me going no matter the clothes i wear or the way i do my hair no one will perceive me differently i will always be loud and outgoing and even though this is who i truly am i don’t like it i want to be petite and frail and i want to disappear into nothing because i am nothing

7/2/2023 at approx 1:56pm
last night at 9:56pm i was outside behind the building at the party with himand he held me close to him and played with my hair

7/21/2023 at approx 1:39pm
every day I think to myself that I wish I met someone sooner

7/21/2023 at approx 1:45pm
whenever men stretch and their shirt kinda ride up a bit i start to wither away like a victorian man seeing a ladies ankles for the first time

7/24/2023 at approx 8:30pm
today was ok .My favorite tea shop in town is moving into a smaller location so they were selling a lot of their old china/teacups/etc .I purchased a 2 teacups and 3 saucers (all vintage, some made overseas) for 12 dollars.....I do not think i have ever been happier. I also compulsively cleaned my room a little bit and turned one of the saucers into a trinket dish on my vanity (in case you dont already know, I am a Trinket Girl..I will never hesitate to collect trinkets and doohickeys). My mom says over the summer i can go back because they will be putting out more stuff each day. I am very sad about the place moving though, the property and buildings are incredible. the house is a federal style colonial mansion, and it is beautiful . today I spoke to the owner, Susan, and she told me about how it was too expensive to keep up the property and that they were asking for 1.5 million dollars for her to keep it. Its so beautiful in there it makes me want to cry. the furniture, the intricate details on the trim and the ceiling, the dusty smell the house has. I wish I could die there . I hope I get to go there one last time before they move .

7/25/2023 at approx 3:59pm
the concept of having my own private space to do whatever i want is actually mind boggling, and by private space i mean soemthing like this site. its freedom. everytime i remember that free will exists i am baffled. Anyway, right now, i am in a strange depressive state. i feel like im falling apart, but once something happens such as texting my boyfriend or talking to my friends, im completely fine. and then five minutes after the activity ceases, im back where i started. this especially is rough during the summer due to lack of structure, and night time as well. night time always sucks for me because this is when my emotions get all fucky, like all the edgy guilt trippy bullshit comes spewing out my mouth and every morning, i look back on what i said to people via text or what i posted on this site and i just die of cringe. you know, ive tried diaries, but something about it just doesnt cut it for me. after i realized diaries didnt work, i tried vent accounts on twitter. but that shit didnt work either for 2 reasons: one, i was known. there was a name attached to my profile. i want someone to hear me, but i dont want them to know it was me. even though the limited amount of people on that account are people i trust deeply, they were still perceiving me and judging me. it was above their control though. i couldn't handle it. i can not handle being known or being perceived. and two, i kept getting fucking banned due to the graphic nature of the shit i was posting on there. you know you're in a bad mental state when you have to code your own fucking website in order to not get censored. the good thing about having this site though is that i get the attention but still have anonymity. lots of people are probably wondering why this shit is public, and theres one good answer for that: attention seeking behavior! i feel much more soothed after typing all that out because ive been replaying a similar manifesto over and over again in my head for weeks

11/24/2023 at approx 9:20pm
Its been a few months. Seeing my logs on this site makes me realize that some things never change. I still want to die and im still as jealous as ever. I dont feel guilty about it at all. He likes me more but i want to be her. I dont know why. This isnt healthy. Its been hurting me for months. I think I could die trying

3/19/26
today i was feeling very uhhh. writy. i wanted to write some things, for whatever reason. so instead of watching whatever the teacher was showing on the screen in english class i decided to write some things down. here is what i have figured out:

#1. i am very excited for my 18th birthday because hopefully i will be unbanned from facebook marketplace
#2. i need to buy paint stripper to get rid of the white paint that my mother covered the original beautiful dark wooden fixtures with
#3. i need to make a new neocities page

i have a long history with neocities. neocities has seen many sides of me. so yeah today i made this new index page (all my old ones are still up i just dont want them attached to this). but yeah i think i did an ok job with this layout and such and im keeping some original css stuff such as the times new roman with spacing and the dotted borders on the plain white background. but yes. blah blah blah, big things coming, hopefully (?)

3/20/26
I do not think I am satisfied with my life or the person I am, and I know that is selfish to say considering i have it pretty good. I got into my most desired university that i had been working towards for a long while, so things should feel like they are finally falling into place, which, in some ways, they are. That whole part of my life is moving forward and I am very proud of myself for that. But i still feel stuck. I dont really like who I am as of current. It is quiet and constant in a way that feels like its humming in the back of my head and it follows me everywhere I go. I started dating too young I think even though it felt right for such a long time. It felt comfortable and safe and familiar or whatever. But now i feel like i missed out on the opportunity to figure out exactly who i am when i am alone. I want to be free, not in a reckless or sleeping around way, but in a human way. I want to meet new people and make connections and spend time with the people I already love without feeling guilty for it. I dont want to keep feeling like my time and energy belongs to him. The worst part though is that I dont hate him, I dont dislike him, he didnt do anything terrible or wrong. Matter of fact i love him and im grateful that i was able to experience something so great with him. It feels significantly worse to me because there is no defined or clear reason to justify my feelings. I dont want to lose the people in my life who matter to me. I love him but i dont think this relationship fits into the life that i am trying to grow into. Graduation and stuff feels like a turning point so maybe I can use this as a chance to reset and become a person I actually feel comfortable with. But i know that you cant just change the scenery, you gotta change the situation too (lisa rowe lol). I dont want to keep making decisions based off of guilt, I dont want to keep staying in uncomfortable situations just because they feel familiar to me, and i need to give myself permission to grow and move on, even if the growth causes discomfort to the people around me. But these are all very big words and even harder things to act on.

3/24/2026
today i am eighteen years old!! woohoo!! typically i could not care less about birthdays but this time its a little different around because, in a legal sense, i can do MOST of the things i want to do. considering i dont smoke or drink anymore, honestly i can pretty much do everything i want to do now. specially im referencing tattoos and piercings. i was an emo kid for most of my life up until high school, so with that being said, i was obsessed with the idea of tattoos and piercings. tattoos ive always been on the fence about because im aware of how often my interests and the things I like change, so while there are concepts of tattoos id like done, ive decided its probably best to wait for my frontal lobe to develop before i make any permanent decisions. but yeah my interests definietly lean more to piercings. i already made an appointment to get my tits and third lobe pierced. #eager #thriving. ive always wanted a bunch of different ones. the piercings i wanted the most were both nostrils, septum, medusa, and POSSIBLY snakebites. that piercing setup was inspired by my dear instagram mutual, rebby (i dont really know where she went). the last setup i really wanted was a diagonal setup, so you can imagine it reading from the right to left side of my face and it goes as follows: left eyebrow, left antieyebrow, left nostril, and then a single snakebite (is that what theyre called?) on my bottom right lip. but yeah I kind of like the ideal of having a blank face now with heavy ear piercings instead. I feel like piercings have become so common that NOT having any, when being alternative, is the new counterculture? Im not even really alternative any more though. im kind of in what i like to call "weird girl limbo" because im too normal looking to be considered alternative but im also too alternative to be considered normal looking. like nobody knows. but if you know me and my history, you can definitely tell. I mean, ive been into it all: third wave emo, nu metal, black metal, post punk/new wave, punk, second wave emo, grunge, riot grrl, and edm and even gabber. ive had all the phases. but yeah im not gonna get any facial piercings i dont think besides maybe my tongue in a few years, and then i want to fill up ALL of my ear real estate. i like the piercings that can be hidden. when i was in 7th grade i did my smiley and i had that for a year, and i loved it! it got tore out (didnt hurt) and i still miss it very dearly sometimes, but i also dont think id ever repierce it.


i also dont need too many folk seeing this, but i lost my virginity a few days ago and it was absolutely freaking awesome. it happened with a friend i love and trust very deeply which made it significantly easier. both of us had absolutely NO idea wtf we were doing but it wasnt even awkward, like it was literally just kinda funny and once we figured it out sorta the sex was really good. it was soooo fucking intimate and the fact that it was like 3am and i probably wasn't supposed to be in his house made it significantly better? something about risk?? idk. but anyway...im glad i waited until it felt right. i dont think i will ever regret my decision. it was, for losing my virginity, probably one of the greatest things ive ever experienced

3/24/2026